My Lawyer Made Me Change the Name of This Fanfic So I Wouldn't Be Sued
by Evilkitten3
Summary: Anime/Manga Xover. Because when two worlds, quite literally, collide, only chaos can possibly occur. Ed, Envy, Rose (plus baby), Wrath, Hohenheim, and Al end up in the Brotherhood universe, where they meet their manga counterparts. Wackiness, explosions, daddy issues, and various car troubles ensue.
1. In Which Two Universes (Are) Butt Heads

**Summary: When Father tries to absorb God, the Gate opens. Meanwhile, in a parallel universe, Ed is killed by Envy and resurrected by Alphonse. Due to how close the three are to the Gate, they, along with Rose, her baby, Wrath, and Hohenheim, get pulled into the wrong world. Hilarity ensues.**

No matter how similar two worlds are, they will never be the same. No two things will occur at the exact same time and place in two different worlds. Unless, of course, one has a Philosopher's Stone. So Edward Elric, Alphonse Elric, Father, May Chang, Izumi Curtis, Van Hohneheim, Roy Mustang, and Pride were all shocked when the Gate opened up in front of them and dropped out six figures, five of them male, four of them vaguely recognizable, three of them yelling, two of them fighting, and one of them holding a baby.

Ed stared at the suit of armor, so similar to his brother's. Hohenheim stared at the man who looked like a younger (and less blonde) version of himself. Al stared at the girl with the baby who looked suspiciously like Rose Thomas, save for her dark skin color and pink bangs. Izumi stared at the boy lying on the ground in pain (presumably due to the recent loss of his left leg and right arm) who looked like an older version of her dead son. Pride looked at the baby, vaguely curious (no one had told him how babies were made, as Father had decided that only Lust and Greed had really needed to know). Father stared at the two boys trying to murder each other, one of them almost identical to Edward Elric, and the other similar to Envy (save for coloring and the fact that he (?) actually seemed to know how to fight). Mustang didn't stare at anything. Firstly, Madame Christmas had taught him that staring was rude. Secondly, he was still blind and couldn't have stared at anything even if he had felt obligated to. Luckily, May was there and stared for him.

"Die, pipsqueak!" the Envy-lookalike was yelling.

"WHO'RE YOU CALLING SO SMALL HE COULDN'T EVEN REACH THE KITCHEN SINK?" the Ed-lookalike yelled right back.

"How did I get here?" the Hohenheim-lookalike asked.

"What's going on? Where am I?" the Rose-lookalike asked. She looked down at herself. "What am I _wearing_?"

"I want my mommy!" the unknown child wailed. The two suits of armor glanced at each other.

"Hi, I'm Alphonse Elric." One of them said, extending his hand.

"Really?" the other asked. "What a coincidence – My name is Alphonse Elric too! That's my brother Ed, our friend Rose, our dad, and our enemies, Envy and Wrath." He glanced at his brother. "I should help Brother out." This turned out to be unnecessary, as Hohenheim-lookalike's question had caught the other Envy's attention, and the Homunculus had decided to try and kill him instead. Oddly enough, the other Ed didn't seem to want to help him. Eventually, Hohenheim took pity on his doppelganger and created a wall between him and Envy.

Envy would have probably thrown a temper tantrum had the child on the floor, who was somehow still alive, grabbed his ankle. Distracted, the green-haired shape shifter glanced down.

"Envy," the kid whined. "It hurts." Envy stared at him.

"Duh, moron." He sneered. "You got your arm and leg torn off."

"So _do something_," the boy complained. Envy's gaze was nothing less than incredulous.

"Wrath." He said flatly. "You are a Homunculus. _You can re-grow your bloody limbs_." The kid pouted.

"But then I won't be able to do alchemy," he pointed out. Envy rolled his eyes.

"So? Make like the rest of us and deal with it." He grinned. "Then again, if you hadn't gone and pissed Master off, you might have your arm and leg still. Hell, you might even be human now. That's what you wanted, right?" The boy nodded, but the Ed-lookalike cut in before the child could say anything.

"Dante wouldn't have made them human even if she knew how!" he yelled, pointing angrily. "And they were _my limbs in the first place_!" the boy – Wrath – stuck out his tongue and pulled down his eyelid with his remaining arm.

"Finders keepers, shrimp," he taunted. Ed's eye twitched.

"WHO'RE YOU CALLING AN ITSY BITSY LITTLE BEAN?" he yelled. The first Ed groaned.

"Was I ever that loud?" he asked. There were several nods. Hohenheim's double stepped out from behind the wall.

"I don't suppose you know where we are," he said. "It's not our world, and it's certainly not the world beyond the Gate." He never got an answer, because Envy and Ed – for the first time in history – teamed up to kill him. Al sighed.

"Why is everybody I know extremely immature?" he grumbled to nobody in particular. Rose was still very confused.

"Why are there two Ed's? Why are the two Al's? Who are you? Does anyone have a spare diaper? Where am I? Why does it look like Amestris exploded? Who's the guy in the toga? Where did Lyra go?" she asked.

"You ask a lot of questions," Envy told her, annoyed. She blinked.

"Do I?"

"_Yes_!"

"All stupidity aside," the other Ed broke in. "Rose has a point." It was Envy's turn to look surprised.

"She does?" he asked. Other Ed nodded.

"Yeah, see, the last thing I remember is an asshole with daddy issues stabbing me through the heart and killing me, then jumping into the Gate shrieking like a howler monkey and– holy crap, are you Scar?" Scar, having just arrived at the surface, looked completely clueless.

"Aren't I usually?" he asked, slightly sarcastic due to having an extremely angsty backstory that he was certain would never be resolved.

"Yeah, but you turned into a Philosopher's Stone!" Al told him. Scar stared.

"Are you sure?" he asked. "I think I'd remember that." Envy snorted.

"No, it was definitely you," he said. "I remember because someone–" he shot the child on the ground a dark look, "–killed Lust just a bit after." The child scowled.

"She was a traitor." He whined. Envy started stomping on his back. "Ow!"

"Shut up," Scar told Envy. "You don't have the right to talk after what you did." Envy shrugged.

"So I killed Ed – whoop-de-do." He continued stomping on Wrath.

"But I'm still alive," Ed pointed out. "Besides, you killed Hughes."

"_You_ killed Hughes?" Other Ed asked, turning to look at the Homunculus.

"Uh, who's Hughes again?" Envy asked. "I've killed a lot of people. I can't be expected to remember them _all_."

"You turned into his wife and shot him," Mustang spoke up. "You can't tell me you've forgotten, especially not after you bragged about it." Envy stared at him.

"'Hi, I'm Envy, nice to meet you too,'" he said sarcastically. "I know who _you_ are, kind of, but where do you get off acting like we've met before?"

"We have," Riza told him. "Ed was there too."

"I was?" Other Ed asked. "I don't remember that."

"No – she means me," Ed told him. Rose started smacking her head against the nearest wall, hoping that something would start making sense. It didn't.


	2. In Which Wrath is Stepped On

**AN: This story has a very, very slight crossover with Terry Pratchett's **_**Discworld**_**, as well as a little **_**Buffy the Vampire **__**Banger**__** Slayer**_**. This story isn't really a crossover, because the **_**Discworld**_** and **_**Buffy**_** characters are there for laughs, and there're only really two of them anyways. Given that this story is **_**also**_** simply there for laughs, this should not surprise you.**__**I should have mentioned this earlier. I chose not to. And that's terrible. Luckily, since **_**Discworld**_** makes about as much sense as card games on motorcycles, this shouldn't really be a problem. If it is, fine. Just don't complain about it, lest I send Mrs. Cake after you.**

"Oh my," Truth cackled, pushing a pawn forward. "This was truly a splendid idea."

"Quite inspired," D'Hoffryn agreed, smirking at the others. He moved a purple elephant three spaces to the right into the fourth dimension. The Lady smirked.

"Why thank you," she said, demurely. "By the way, I hope you know that purple elephants can't enter the fourth dimension unless they are wearing bowties or have a received a bankrupt card from the dead alligator." D'Hoffryn swore as his elephant erupted into purple-tinged flames.

"I'd forgotten," he grumbled. "You're too good at this game, Lady." The Lady simply smiled, materializing a neon green butterfly and sending it over to Bordor (which was in no way a rip-off of Mordor and/or a parody of the word 'border') to feed her miniature statuette of Quetzalovercoatl, which didn't seem to be too thrilled about being fed butterflies, but it kept its grumbling to a minimum, because it was rude to whine in the presence of a lady, especially if said lady was _The_ Lady.

"You cannot cheat Fate," The Lady said simply, backhanding said deity out of the story before he could make another unnecessary cameo.

"So, how do you think they'll do?" Truth asked. The other two glanced at each other. All three started to laugh.

Envy was still stomping on Wrath's back. Apparently it was quite an exciting activity. Wrath had given up on trying to get Envy off, and was instead focusing on regaining his limbs, though Envy's bouncing seemed to be a bit distracting. A few feet away, the more sane people tried to figure what the hell was going on. Father and Pride just stood there looking awkward, Father because the attention wasn't on him any more and he was wondering how many tantrums he would have to throw to get it back, and Pride because he had been reduced to a baby just a few minutes ago and had only been brought back because D'Hoffryn had forgotten the Purple Elephant Rule. Pride, of course, had no way of knowing this and would forever wonder about it (at least, until the author decided she didn't need him around anymore and gave him back to Mrs. Bradley). Such is life.

"I'm Edward Elric," said Edward Elric.

"No, _I'm_ Edward Elric!" yelled Edward Elric. Alphonse Elric, having already introduced himself to Alphonse Elric, just stood by in case a fight broke out.

"I'm Wrath," said Wrath. He waved at Izumi with his partially restored arm, which Envy promptly stepped on. "Ow! Get off, Envy!"

"No," Envy responded. Everybody looked at him, waiting for an introduction.

"…That's Envy," Ed (the shorter one) said, after a few minutes of awkward silence, during which the only sound that could be heard was Envy stomping on Wrath, coupled with Father's rising irritation at being ignored.

"I'm trying to kill you!" Father snarled. "Pay attention to me!"

"I'm paying attention to you, Father," Pride told him. Father gave him a distracted pat on the head.

"Yes, good for you, son," he said.

"I'm not even sure what I'm doing here," Rose commented. "Where is here?"

"It kind of looks like Central if Central got hit by the world's biggest wrecking ball," Wrath observed.

"It does, actually," Al commented. He turned back into a human in a poof of magic alchemy and plot convenience. "Oh, that's convenient." The other Al transformed into a human, except much skinnier, allowing the author to call them Ponytail Al and Beanpole Al.

"Hey, my arm's back!" Ed exclaimed. The other Ed waited for a miracle. It never happened.

"Dammit!" He yelled. Dr. Marcoh popped up in front of Mustang.

"Here, have a plot convenience rock," he said. Mustang glanced at it.

"Looks like a Philosopher's Stone," he pointed out. Marcoh smacked him.

"BITCH YOU'RE BLIND!" he yelled. Mustang healed his eyes.

"Okay, _now_ it looks like a Philosopher's Stone," he corrected himself.

"Daddy issues!" said Envy. He wanted to make sure no one had forgotten about in all the confusion. The author forgetting her favorite character for the sake of plot convenience jokes wasn't really going to improve his self-esteem. I mean, really, who wants to know that they're second to jokes that have no context, come out of nowhere, are never explained, make no sense, and are never mentioned ever again. That's pretty much like being second to Big Lipped Alligator Moments.

"Yes, Envy, you have problems," Rose patted him on the back with the arm that wasn't holding her baby. She figured he could use a little love. Envy sulked. He was beginning to miss his Emo Corner. Wrath began to wonder if Envy's theme song was "Perfect" by Simple Plan. He was probably right.

"Anyway," said Army Ed (**AN: Get it? Get it? …I'm going to hell**), glowering at the author. "We're nicknaming the newbies." Other Ed blinked.

"How come we have to be nicknamed?" he grumbled.

"Because I don't want the author to keep calling me 'Army Ed'," Army Ed told him. He looked like he wanted to strangle the author. But he can't, because I'm over here, in the twenty first century, and he's over there, in the twentieth century. Loser doesn't even have an iPod. Nyeh.

"Wait, are we allowed to break the Fourth Wall?" Riza asked. "I mean, this fic is labeled Humor/Parody, so breaking the Fourth Wall seems a little pointless."

"Let's keep the Wall-breaking to a minimum," Van Hohenheim agreed. He stabbed the other Hohenheim for being such a shitty parent. Envy got off of Wrath, stabbed Hohenheim (of Light) again, and then hugged Hohenheim (Van).

"You're my new hero," he told him. Van patted him on the head.

"That's nice," he said. "But I'm going to die now." He and Father died because the author really didn't think this fanfic needed any more stupidity. Pride turned back into a baby, making his reappearance utterly pointless. Envy found a new Emo Corner and began to cry in it while the song "Solitude" by Evanescence began to play. The rest of the cast ignored him, which was probably a bad idea, considering that he was pretty much the most effective bad guy in the franchise, with the exception of King Bradley (Wrath-wise, anyway – the Pride version was just a dick).

"So now what?" Ed asked.

"Well, you're 'Ed' from now on," Army Ed decided. "I'll just be Edward."

"I'll be Al, then," Ponytail Al said.

"Okay," Beanpole Al agreed. "I guess I'm Alphonse." Envy turned into a duck.

"Quack," said the duck.

**AN: From here on out, only Riza is allowed to break the Fourth Wall at any given moment.**

Riza: Why me?

**AN: Haven't you ever seen a FMA parody fic (or abridged series)? You're the Only Sane Man.**

Riza: Okay, but please tell me there won't be any _N_MA jokes.

**AN: …ED'S A MAGICIAN!**

Riza: I hate you.

**AN: You'll live**.


	3. In Which There is 60 Less Plot

**AN: As I stated last chapter, only Riza is allowed to break the Fourth Wall on a regular basis. Also, to anybody wondering what the hell D'Hoffryn, the Lady, and Truth were doing last chapter: Who the fuck knows. Anyhow, don't expect updates to be regular. I might update three times a day, and then not update for a few months. I tend to forget about things. Hell, a chapter three is the furthest I've ever gotten. I'm on a roll!**

Envy was sleeping on the couch. When one hasn't slept at all in the last four hundred years due to hyperactivity, insomnia, and a bitchy, obsessive mother, one tends to get a little tired. Yes, that applies to Homunculi as well. So Envy was asleep on the couch, in Major General Mustang's office, and Roy was trying not to incinerate the alternate dimension counterpart of his best friend's murderer. Alternatively, Roy was trying not to incinerate the murderer of his best friend's alternate dimension counterpart. The latter sounded less cruel, and made him feel better, so that was the one he went with. It did, of course, help that Envy had chosen to remain in the form he had ended the last chapter in, and was therefore still a duck.

"Will someone get that duck out of here?" he snapped. Unfortunately, since the snap was verbal, nothing caught fire. Nobody paid attention to Mustang. Nobody _ever_ paid attention to Mustang. Riza, who also hadn't been paying attention but kind of knew what he wanted, pulled out a gun and shot the duck, which fell off the couch in a shower of duck-blood stained feathers. The duck glowered at her.

"Quack," the duck grumbled, clearing its throat. "You know, that could be considered animal cruelty."

"You stabbed me through the chest," Ed (the short guy with golden hair) reminded him. "That could be considered child abuse."

"Actually, I think that qualifies as murder," Alphonse (the beanpole) pointed out. "Which only Ed, Edward, Al, and I aren't guilty of here."

"I've never killed anyone," Rose and Rose's baby said. Rose glanced down at the child in surprise.

"You can talk?" she asked. The child shook its head.

"Of course not," it scoffed. "That wouldn't make any sense." And, with a puff of logic, the child went back to sleep.

"Ed's killed people," the duck pointed out. Everyone stared at him.

"Wait, really?" Edward (that's the taller one with blonde hair and two arms) asked. "Dude, what happened to 'I won't kill anyone ever'?"

"That only applies to humans," Ed crossed his arms, pouting. "Besides, the first one was an accident!"

"The _first_ one?" Alphonse yelped. "That's awful!"

"I don't see how it was accidental," Wrath interrupted. "I mean, stabbing someone through the chest usually means they die."

"Oh no, the first death wasn't the problem," said the duck. "Greed's death benefitted the entire world, if you ask me."

"Nobody asked you," Riza pointed out. The duck ignored her.

"Come to think of it, the only downsides to Sloth's death was Ed's _not_ crying about it, and Wrath's whining." The duck glared at Wrath. "It was your own fault your arm and leg were torn off."

"My own fault?" Wrath sputtered incredulously. "Your ax crazy bitch mother used the Gate to rip them off because I missed Mommy! How is that my fault?"

"Because I said so," the duck told him. "Duh."

"Your logic is different from our Amestrian logic," Ed told him. Riza groaned, knowing exactly where this would lead.

"Mine is much more advanced." Said the duck. Riza took a leaf out of Rose's book and began to bang her head against the wall. Suddenly, something caught Edward's attention.

"Hang on," he said. "Homunculi in your world have mothers?"

"Wrath's 'mommy' isn't his mommy," the duck told them. It turned its eyes into human eyes so it could roll them. "He just wishes she was. His real mom is Izumi Curtis."

"So my child survived in your world?" she asked. If ducks could smirk, this one would have.

"No," it sneered. "You brought the little shit back. That's what Homunculi are (in our world, at least) – the results of you humans and your goddamn inability to _follow the fucking rules_." Ed snorted.

"_You're_ lecturing _us_ on _rule-breaking_," he said flatly. "Oh, that's not hypocritical in any way, shape, or form. You can't blame us for trying to bring back a loved one. We didn't intentionally create you guys."

"We weren't created!" Envy returned to his usual form. "You stupid shit, we were human once too! Or do I need to remind you what I really look like?"

"Actually, I have a question about that," Wrath piped up. The bickering boys turned to look at him. "Dante said you died prematurely, right, Envy?"

"So?" Envy demanded. "What's that got to do with anything?"

"Well, the form you showed us looked eighteen, at the very least." He explained. "'Prematurely' usually means before birth, but it can also mean 'before maturity'. But that doesn't fit with what you showed us." Envy rolled his eyes.

"You died as a baby, dumbass," he said. "You should have figured it out by now – we age for a bit after we die."

"When do you stop aging?" Ed, ever the scientist, asked. Envy shifted.

"…When we eat the Red Stones," he admitted. "If we didn't, we'd pretty much just live like normal people. We'd age slower, and we'd be more durable. But the whole 'consuming human souls' thing changes our bodies and activates our unique abilities. And before you ask, Wrath had his powers before he ate the Red Stones because his power came from Ed's limbs, so he wasn't technically complete. Once he's finished regenerating his limbs, he should be able to use his own ability."

"But–" Ed started to speak but was cut off when Winry burst into the room.

"Ed!" she began to scold him before realizing that there was two of him.

"Oh no!" Riza hissed. "This is bad." Jean Havoc glanced at her.

"Eh? Why?" he asked. Riza's eyes narrowed.

"Edward, Alphonse, Envy, Rose, Winry, and Colonel Mustang are all in the same room!" she said. "Since Ed and Envy are always paired with everybody, a yaoi pairing war is bound to break out, especially due to Ed and Al's doubles!"

"You don't need to worry about that," said Envy, sliding in through the window. "The author ships Greedvy, and since I don't have a gender, that's the closest to yaoi this fic's gonna get."

"Aren't you dead?" Roy asked. "I'm pretty sure you committed suicide."

"Wait, you killed yourself?" Envy asked incredulously. "_Weak_."

"Maybe, but I'm still the only Homunculus not killed by a human," said Envy.

"What about me?" Greed asked, clambering through the window after his younger brother sister sibling.

"You're a traitor, and you don't count." Envy told him flatly. "Besides, I'm the author's favorite character, and the sixth most popular character in the series. That means I outrank _Scar_ and _General Armstrong_. You really thought I wouldn't pop up?"

"I was hoping," Roy admitted. "I suppose I can't kill you." Envy grinned.

"Nope!" it responded happily. "I have diplomatic immunity!" Greed smacked him upside the head. "Ow!"

"Moron," he grumbled. "The only reason you and I are here is because of nepotism and everyone knows it." Oh, is that what you think? Would you like me to kill you off now? I've got no problem with it – the less characters I have to manage, the better. "No, I'm good." Greed replied quickly.

**AN: And now, for a pointless omake:**

**Omake: Where Envy and Greed were for the last two chapters (WARNING: spoilers for **_**Puella Magi Madoka Magica**_**)**

"No, don't give up, Sayaka!" Envy wailed. "You don't need Kyousuke; you have Kyouko! Don't make her lose anyone else!" Greed glanced over at his sibling, who was currently watching _Puella Magi Madoka Magica_. This was the third time he'd had to sit through this particular episode, and it was one of the only four times he'd seen Envy cry while watching TV, the other three being when Tara died ("Poor Willow!"), when Bambi's mother died ("HUMANS ARE EVIL!), and when M. Night Shyamalan made The Last Airbender ("SHYAMALAN YOU SON OF A BITCH, YOU'VE RUINED THE FRANCHISE!).

"You've seen this show a million times," Greed pointed out, figuring that a million was probably pretty close to however many times Envy had actually seen the show. "The novelty should have worn off by now."

"I identify with Kyouko!" Envy snapped. "She killed herself too!"

"Well, I identify with Mami," said Greed dryly. "Every time I talk to you, you bite my head off." Envy snorted.

"Who cares about Mami?" it grumbled. "She tried to steal Madoka away from Homura!" Greed twitched. Now _that_ was too much.

"Hey, screw you!" he snarled. "Mami genuinely appreciated Madoka! Homura is just a selfish bitch who doesn't consider others' feelings!" Envy jumped to its feet.

"Homura was the first one to discover that Kyuubey was evil!" it yelled. "She just wanted to save Madoka!"

"She was causing all of Madoka's problem!" Greed yelled right back. "And Kyuubey wasn't evil; it's just a genderless freak doesn't have the capacity for emotion! Maybe _that's_ who you should identify with!" With a howl of rage, Envy leapt towards Greed, tackling him to the ground. The two proceeded to have the largest pairing war in history since the IchiRuki fans discovered that IchiHime was a legitimate possibility.

**EK3: And that's that!**

**Riza: If you wanted to write a PMMM story, you could have just done that rather than force a bunch of people to try and figure out what you're talking about. You didn't need to put it in an omake.**

**EK3: …LALALA I CAN'T HEAR YOU!**


	4. In Which There is an Unexplained Cameo

**AN: ARRRGH. I have been so freaking busty. Okay, that's a lie; I was just busy. I feel like I've abandoned the five people who think this fanfic is going to go somewhere. I think I'll be lucky if I get a recommendation on TV Tropes. That aside, I have finally pulled my shit together and – wait for it – **_**written chapter four**_**. I know: it's shocking. Be prepared for: bad jokes, unexplained crossovers, pointless references, clichés that would make Comic Book Guy sob, fourth wall breakage, and lemon meringue pie. Ok, I made that last part up.**

Chapter Four:

In Which The Author Remembers That Envy Isn't the Only Character in the Story, Much to the Surprise of Everybody Else

Alternatively, In Which There is an Unexplained Cameo

The woman walking down the road was wearing a hood, so it was hard to tell who she was. Despite her wearing a huge black cloak in the middle of summer (in _Resembool_, no less), and she had a gun at her side. Oddly enough, it was not a state military issued gun, nor even a "the gun that that old angry farmer guy who really wants you to get off his fucking lawn has" type of gun. It was a Colt Anaconda, which was created in 1990. Which made absolutely no sense, because the main part of Fullmetal Alchemist takes place before people had even invented goddamn Tommy Guns. Regardless of her paradoxical weaponry, the women herself was, physically, very ordinary. She had blonde hair that fell a little bit past her shoulders, and a serious, determined expression on her face. This woman had work to do.

The target was a teenage girl, with long pink hair, sparkling turquoise eyes, and a tendency to trip and fall over every now and then (which is totally a character flaw, so clearly she's a well-made OC). The girl was pretty, kind, sweet, and currently heading towards Central to become a State Alchemist. Due to her precognition (like, that means she can totally see the future and stuff, like Alice from Twilight), she already knew what her title would be: The Sparkle Happy Sunshine Wolf Heart Magic Daisy Alchemist, because in an organization with titles like "Flame", "Red Lotus", and "Fullmetal", "Sparkle Happy Sunshine Wolf Heart Magic Daisy" was clearly going to be a winner.

The woman with the gun scowled, and promptly proceeded to shoot the goddamn Sue in her beautiful, kind, sparkly, happy, sunshine face. And there was much rejoicing. Or, rather, there would have been, had there been any audience.

"Che," growled the woman. "These damn things are popping up everywhere."

"I agree," said the voice of another woman. The first woman turned, to see a group of five more women; each cloaked and hooded. Though it was impossible to tell, one had dark brown hair that was loosely tied in a ponytail over her shoulder, one had dark shoulder-length red hair, one had long bright red hair (ok, you could tell what her hair looked like, but only because it was so long that it reached her ankles), and one had curly light brown hair pulled back into a ponytail. The last one had blonde hair, and that was about all the others knew about her. The dark brown haired woman was the one who had first spoken. The blonde ignored her.

"Should you four really be here?" she asked the other four women. "This isn't your territory."

"We know that," said the women with light brown hair. "But, really, Sara–"

"_Evangeline_!" the first blonde snarled. "We use code names, _Quince_."

"Sorry," Quince said. "I keep forgetting. L– er, I mean Tiger keeps reminding me too. With all the confusion, it's hard to remember."

The woman with dark red hair, who was called Tiger, put a hand on her arm.

"It's all right, Quince, I had a tough time with it too." she said warmly. The dark brown haired woman shivered.

"This is bad," she murmured. "They're popping up everywhere." Evangeline gave her a shrug.

"We're here to wipe them out, Capulet." She said simply. She tossed a glare at the last woman. "At least _most_ of you are helping." Capulet sighed.

"Don't get made at Joking, Eva." She said simply. "She's here for a reason, you know." Evangeline glanced up at the sky.

"I know. How long do you think it will be until we find Edward?" she asked.

"Who knows," said Capulet. "Things tend to revolve around him, though, so I should think we'll meet up with him soon enough."

"Let's split up here," said Joking. The other women gave her nasty looks, but nodded in agreement.

"I'm going to stay in Resembool," Evangeline decided. "Winry could become a target, and if she gets Possession Sued, we're going to have a problem."

"Right," said Capulet. "In that case, I'll head for Central– no, that's a bad idea, actually. I'll go to Dublith. I know the area, so I should be able to fit right in."

"Good thinking," Quince commented. "You guys are good at this. Right, well, I'm a long-range fighter, so I think I'll head to Xenotime. I should be able to snipe them all easily."

"See?" Tiger smiled at her. "You're catching on quickly. Xenotime sounds good for a newbie. As for me, I'm going to head to Reole. Merlin knows those people could use some help fixing things up."

"I shall stay in Resembool," announced Joking. "Evangeline, Winry is in Central right now, as is Rosé, so I'd head there if I were you."

"Very well," Evangeline dipped her head in acknowledgement, looking a bit sour. "How about you, Tomato?"

"Don't call me that!" the last woman snarled. "I'll tear your goddamn limbs off, you hear me? My codename is Habanera!"

"She was joking," Quince said, trying to pacify the irritated redhead. "C'mon, Habanera, you know that." Habanera scowled, but let it go.

"_Fine_," she grumbled. "If that's the case, I'm going to head for Briggs. I have quite a bit of respect for General Armstrong, so I'd hate to see Sues up there."

"Good, we've all decided." Announced Joking, even though she didn't really need to announce anything. "DMA, move out!"

Winry Rockbell was not having the best day. She had woken up, made breakfast, and then had her soul sucked out by a blonde, manly Dark Willow cosplayer who'd forgotten to take his toga off after the frat party last night. And now she was in Central, surrounded by: two Edward Elrics (one of whom was taller than the other), two Alphonse Elrics (one of whom was skinnier than the other), a Rosé Thomas that had dark skin because Scar apparently needed more angst, two Envys (one of whom was an androgyne, and the other of whom was just weird), a Greed who had shown up in his original form without any explanation at all, and Pride, who kept switching between omnicidal nutjob and Selim Bradley. Add in the frantic military people who were adjusting to the fact that their ruler/boss/hero/personal God Fuhrer King Bradley had snuffed it, and the fact that Envy (not the one that looks like a really girly guy, the one that _is_ a really girly guy) had returned to his duck form and was currently sleeping on her head, and Winry could officially call it the Day Where Everything Sucked™. Also known as the DWES. ™.

On the bright side, Winry thought, having given up on removing Envy from her head, at least now she could properly inspect Ed's Automail and make sure he hadn't damaged it. Since the Winry that was probably in the other world and had probably made the other Ed's Automail wasn't here, Winry took it upon herself to inspect both sets.

The taller Edward's leg was fine (if one counted "nonexistent and replaced with Automail" as fine), but his arm was gone. Apparently it had been destroyed in the fight with Father, which would have pissed Winry off, but right now she was more concerned with the fact that Edward still had bits and pieces of Automail bolted into his shoulder. His right arm was smaller and less developed than the left arm, which made sense, because it had just kind of been floating around in the Gate for a year, and hadn't gotten any exercise.

Winry sighed, and was about to walk over to the other Ed to check on his Automail when the door swung open and Fuhrer Grumman entered the room.

"That was a pretty fast promotion," Mustang commented, suspicious.

"Yes, well," Grumman shrugged, grinning. "Most of the officials are dead, under arrest, or being yelled at by a combination of Olivier Mira Armstrong and Izumi Curtis, so I kind of had to promote myself. Luckily, it was a unanimous vote."

"Of course it was," said a voice behind him. A woman walked into the room. It was the blonde woman who first appeared in Paragraph 1, but she had abandoned her cloak. Instead, she now wore a mask shaped like– well, actually, it was nearly impossible to tell what the mask was shaped like, but _Naruto_ fans would have pretended that they knew, so we'll just say it was shaped like a cat or something. "I am Evangeline. I'll be tagging along for a bit."

"Wait a moment!" Riza stood up. "There's no one in this franchise called 'Evangeline'. If you're an OC, we don't have time for–"

"I'm not an OC, thank the Gate." Evangeline cut her off. "The name I gave you is a code name, as my organization has secrecy policies. Whether or not I'm from this franchise is irrelevant. I am, however, a completely canonical character, though not a very prominent one. My organization does not allow OCs of any sort."

"What _is_ your organization?" Winry asked. "What does it do?"

"My organization is called the DMA. No, I can't tell you what it stands for, though I can tell you that it's not a Soul Eater reference. At least, it's not _intentionally_ a Soul Eater reference. As for what we do, well, the easiest way to put it is we're kind of like the Auditors from Discworld, except we're women, we aren't assholes, and we have quotation marks to show when we're talking. Basically, we jump dimensions and take out things that shouldn't be there, such as Mary Sues, Marty Stus, and other things like that." the woman took a breath and continued. "For instance, earlier this week, a comrade of mine ran into a group of odd individuals who had gotten lost."

"How odd?" Roy asked.

"There was an Ent, and talking raccoon, a green-skinned chick, a Mexican wrestler, and a nerd. They found a TARDIS, and I really don't want to have to go into the details of how they landed in Sunnydale. Joy was pissed beyond belief, that's for sure." Evangeline shuddered.

"Who's Joy?" Rose asked. "Another member of your organization?"

"Yes, although she's technically my superior," Evangeline replied. "There aren't really ranks in my organization, but there are the three women who founded it, and they're basically the leaders. Their names – codenames, that is – are Joy, Colt, and Phantom. The group that came here with me go by Capulet, Quince, Tiger, Joking, and Habanera. Katakana and Red wanted to come too, but they had other things to worry about. Apparently Habanera's best friend, Tomoe, needed some help in her home verse. Mary Sues corrupting her son, I think."

"Are your names clues to who you really are?" Envy grinned as it asked the question, hoping to annoy the woman a bit.

"Mostly," Evangeline agreed. "It really depends. Capulet, Quince, Habanera, and Red are all pretty obvious if you think hard enough, Joy, Tiger, and Phantom are a bit more difficult, and Katakana, Tomoe, Colt, and I are all pretty obscure, though Colt and Katakana are a bit easier to figure out."

"What about Joking?" Envy pressed, disappointed that it hadn't managed to annoy her the first time.

"Oh. Her." Evangeline's nose wrinkled. "_She's_ not a canon character. Not an OC, but not a canon character, so the fact that she has so much authority is really annoying." Winry frowned.

"But if she's not canon, and she's not an OC, doesn't that make her a real person?" she asked. "I thought didn't allow that."

"They don't," Evangeline grumbled. "That's probably why the author of this story is avoiding giving her too much screentime – so she won't get in trouble."

"The author of this story is a girl?" Roy asked, clueless. Envy (the one who was still a duck) gave him an annoyed look.

"All fanfic authors are girls," he snapped. "Everyone knows that."

"Not all of them," Winry, still angry that Envy was using her head as a perch, piped up. "Moonlit Water Sunny River isn't." Envy blinked with his duck eyes.

"MWSR writes Ed/En," he pointed out, looking a bit uncomfortable. "And you think that–"

"There are yaoi fanboys, Envy." Said Greed. "There's yuri fangirls, too. Just ask the author of this story. She ships Ino/Hinata, Lucy/Flare, Riruka/Orihime, Winry/Rose, and probably a billion other things."

"Wait, _Ino/Hinata_? Have they even talked to each other?" Ed yelped.

"Once." Greed replied. "Third Shippuden movie. That's all I can think of. Oh, she also ships Madoka/Homura and Kyoko/Sayaka."

"Please," sneered Envy (the genderless one). "Everyone _sane_ ships Madoka/Homura and Kyoko/Sayaka."

"_I'm_ sane, and I ship Madoka/Mami," Greed growled. "Homura is–"

"Don't start this again," Riza growled. "It was annoying and pointless the first time we did it, and it's annoying and pointless now."

"Wait!" Roy butted in. Shipping was very important to him. "I thought the author shipped IchiHime, NaLu, EdWin, and Envy/Rose. What happened to that?"

"She multi-ships," Evangeline replied. "Besides, Envy/Rose is crack and everyone knows it. Does she ship it in the manga or the anime?"

"Both, I think. Mostly anime, though." Greed told her. The duck gave Rose an odd look, and the two scooted away from each other. Well, Rose scooted away. Envy was still sitting on Winry's head. Suddenly, Winry shrieked, and threw the poor bird across the room.

"What the hell?" Envy yelped, resuming his usual form, much to the shock of Grumman, who had yet to be informed of the new arrivals, and had just assumed that the duck could talk.

"I had to!" Winry insisted. "There was a plot hole!" Envy stared at her.

"What."

"You turned back into your usual form in chapter two!" Winry accused. "And you never turned back! So how are you a duck now?" Envy rolled his eyes.

"Maybe I transformed _offscreen_," he growled, clearly upset at having been displaced. "Did _that_ ever occur to you, Blondie?" Winry glowered at him.

"Why were you on my head in the first place, you freak?" she snapped. Greed and Edward (that's the taller one) tensed, knowing their world's Envy's reaction to insults. This Envy, however just snickered.

"I don't need a reason to annoy people," he said cheerfully. "I do it for no reason at all!"

"He's telling the truth," said Wrath, happy that he actually got a line in this chapter. "He bugged everyone, even Dante." Greed cackled.

"I remember that," he choked through his laughter. "He turned into a little kid and followed her around calling her 'Mommy' for a week!" Envy's grin widened.

"Good times," he said, feigning nostalgia.

"Yeah," Greed grinned. "Almost worth the decade you spent underground in a cave and pinned down by various sharp things." Envy gave him a nasty look.

"Wait, how do you know that?" he demanded. "You're from the manga, not the anime." Greed shifted, looking completely unconcerned.

"The other Greed told me," he explained. "We had a chat, and, though he didn't really want to show up this chapter, he did say to annoy you in any way possible." Greed held up a piece of paper. "Even gave me a list. Nice guy, if you get past the attempted kidnapping of a young child and trusting a guy who already betrayed him. Oh, and the suicidal tendencies, but that was more of a 'fuck you' to Dante than anything else." Evangeline cleared her throat.

"Excuse me," she said stiffly. "I would like to explain why I'm here." The chatter died down a bit, and everyone turned to look at the masked blonde. "To begin, I would like to ask everyone a question: what do you know about Mary Sues?"

The room went silent.

**AN: And thus ends chapter four. If Moonlit Water Sunny River wants me to take his name out of the story, he simply needs let me know. For those wondering if this story was inspired by any other fics, here's a short list: Fairy Tail Redux: Salamander's Time Traveling Escapades, Oh God Not Again, It's For a Good Cause I Swear, Yet Again With a Little Extra Help, Please Stop Eating the Hell Butterflies, and probably a billion other things that I forgot to mention. I am inspired by the authors of these fics (FoxOnPie, Sarah1281, Mistress Nika, and the other one), as well as numerous other fanfic authors.**

**Riza: For those of you who have guesses as to the identities of the members of the DMA, PM us and we'll let you know if you got anything right. If you simply comment on it, we will not answer, and we may delete your comment. If your PM also goes into the comments, it won't be answered. If you discover the answer and comment on it before the answers are made official, your comment will be deleted. If you're absolutely dying to know, you can look at the stories EK3 has written and her favorite stories and do some guesswork.**

**Roy: If you want to state that you are a biologically male author (no offense to males who were born female; we have nothing against anything except stupidity, but we don't want things to get to confusing), you may go ahead and do so. If you are a female, send me a picture, and maybe we can–**

***Bang***

**Riza: Get off the AN and back to your paperwork, sir.**


	5. In Which EK3 Sinks a Ship

**AN: It's a bird! It's a plane! IT'S THE APOCALYPSE! No, it's just EK3 finally updating – after **_**months**_**. Okay, so maybe it is the apocalypse, but that doesn't mean you can't enjoy a terrible story while the world crashes and burns around you. I mean, at least you'll go out doing something you love. And, to the six people who have thus far reviewed, thank you for taking the time to tell me ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. I'm sorry, guys, I really do appreciate your support, but I'd much rather have constructive criticism than "OMG your story is so funny lololololol". If you want to compliment me, go ahead. I like compliments. But maybe you could also tell me **_**why**_** you thought it was funny, or **_**what**_** exactly I did well, or **_**whom**_** you think the members of the DMA are (or what DMA stands for). The only thing worse than insults that explain nothing are **_**compliments**_** that explain nothing. Most authors ask for reviews not because their fishing for compliments (although a lot of them are), but because they want to know how they're doing. If they make you laugh, or cry, or scream, **_**explain why**_**. As an author, especially one who likes in-depth analyses of things, there is nothing more frustrating than not knowing why people like what I'm doing. If you don't really have anything to say other than 'I like this', that's fine, but please, if you **_**can**_** expand a bit more, **_**do it**_**. I do read your comments, and I do enjoy them, but I'd enjoy them more if they were more descriptive. Ah, hell, you guys probably didn't even read this.**

Chapter 5:

In Which Evangeline Tries to be Subtle, Envy Runs From Fangirls, and Ed Tries to Ask Winry to Marry Him

Alternatively:

In Which EK3 Sinks A Ship

Evangeline was feeling uncomfortable. Not only because she was back in a world that she was supposed to be dead in, but also because she was fairly certain that Grumman had only allowed her in because he thought she was an OC and wanted to be rid of her as soon as possible. Joy's words rang in her head:

"_Just because you're already dead, it doesn't mean you can't die again,_" the older woman had said. "_Trust me, honey, I'm from Sunnydale_." Joy, if Evangeline remembered correctly, had once been called 'Joyce Summers', but had changed her name post-mortem to avoid any confusion should she end up back in her world. She nearly had, twice, and was very grateful that neither attempt had been successful, as she didn't want to end up a zombie. Joy, the poor woman, usually ended up dealing with the "male Slayers" and poorly made crossovers. The only thing that really made her angry was bashing of her daughters. Oh, and staying up after midnight, but that was more of a principle thing.

Evangeline shook herself from her thoughts, and turned to look at Edward, who was currently attempting to convince himself to talk to Winry. Ed, Envy (the one from the anime; the other one was bickering with Greed), Al, and Alphonse were watching, amused. Actually, so were the rest of the people in the room, but they at least had enough decency to pretend that their OTP was coming to life. The people _not_ watching were Rosé, who was taking care of her baby, Envy and Greed, who were still bickering, and Grumman, who was crying because _his_ OTP, Royai, still hadn't happened outside of Arakawa-sama saying that it would have but military rules said no. Grumman vowed that his first act as Fuhrer would be ordering to two of them to get married already. Well, after his acceptance speech, of course.

Finally, the blonde member of the DMA took pity on the poor boy.

"Edward!" she called. He turned to look at her.

"Ms. Evangeline?" He asked, uncertain. She nodded, trying her best to hide a smile (not that it mattered, because her mask covered her face).

"I'd like to speak with you privately, if that's alright." He blinked at her suspiciously, but then slowly followed her out into the hall, wondering how the hell he had managed to 'blink suspiciously'.

"What is it?" he asked. Evangeline turned to him.

"Just ask her." She said bluntly. Edward stared.

"Huh?" he said, intelligently. Evangeline sighed, and then broke the rules.

Members of the inter-dimensional DMA, dear reader, are not allowed to show their faces, especially not if they are in their own dimension. The reason for this was simple: the only way to get an invitation to join the DMA was to have died in your home dimension. With the exception of Joking, all of the women in the DMA were dead, though some more than others. Being recognized would lead to confusion, and confusion led to plot holes, and plot holes led to Canon Rape. And, of course, Canon Rape led to the Dark Side (okay, not really).

Either way, Evangeline was breaking the rules by taking her mask off, and she was certain that, if Colt were there, she would be in huge trouble. As it was, she'd probably get in trouble either way.

The golden monkey watched the scene carefully. He had wondered if she had been ready for this mission, and now he was certain she was not. He turned around to face the woman behind him, giving her a questioning stare.

"Worry not," said the woman quietly. She did not have to look down at the monkey to know what his question was. "The problem will be dealt with." The golden monkey returned his attention to Evangeline, mimicking his human's scowl.

"Whatever you say, Marisa," he said. She did glance down at him this time, surprised that he had spoken, but soon returned her hooded gaze to the two blondes in the hallway. She tucked a strand of dark hair behind her ear, and wondered what she would do in a situation like this.

"Let's go for now," she decided. "We'll tell the others. After all, she may have a good reason for breaking the rules. Come along, Ozymandius." And so the woman and the monkey left the building, somehow managing to avoid being spotted by anyone they did not want to be spotted by. The monkey said nothing aloud, but he knew – and he knew that she knew that he knew – that she was thinking of a little girl with a silver tongue.

Back with our heroes, Edward was staring at the revealed face of Evangeline, trying to think of something intelligent to say. So he said this:

"I thought you weren't supposed to take of your mask,"

"I'm not," Sara Rockbell agreed cheerfully. "I'm almost certainly going to get in trouble for it. However, you needed advice, and advice is usually taken better when it doesn't come from a complete stranger." The cheerful look on her face faded, and she sighed. "We knew it might come to this, Ed. Surely you've noticed there's something wrong– more and more characters are breaking the Fourth Wall, even after Word of God (that's the author, honey, it's TV Tropes slang) said that only Hawkeye was allowed to do so. On top of that, Mary Sues have been popping up more and more recently." Edward blinked as he tried to digest the fact that his childhood friend's dead mother was part of an organization that could apparently travel through various dimensions, and had somehow noticed something wrong with the Fourth Wall.

"Wait," said Edward, slowly. "Last chapter, you mentioned Mary Sues, and we all gasped dramatically, but this chapter started off in a completely different context, without even bringing up last chapter's conversation."

"Plot incontinuity," Sara said bluntly. Edward made a sputtering sound.

"Wha– Are you saying the author just _completely forgot about a potentially huge plot point_?" he demanded. "Did she just not plan for anything at all? Is she trying to mess with the readers?" Hey! Stop that! I said only Riza was allowed to break the Fourth Wall!

"Yeah, shut up." Sara backhanded the author out of the fanfic. "Nobody likes a self-insert. Nobody."

"B-b-b-b-b-b– _How does that even happen_?" Edward threw his hands up in the air. "She started this chapter _right after_ the last one! How short can her memory possibly be?"

"Pretty short," said a new voice. Edward and Sara turned to see…

…A floating two-dimensional square picture of two baby tigers.

"What the hell did I just say about self-inserts?" Sara roared, before covering her mouth with a gasp. "W-what the…?" The Author Avatar raised a nonexistent eyebrow. Dumb bitch probably thought it looked cool.

"Ooh, careful _Eva_, OOC is serious business." The Author Avatar taunted. "Be careful, or I'll go back and edit your character's name to Rosa. Then we can have loads of abusive parent jokes!"

"But I'm not abusive!" Sara protested. "I don't even appear more than four times in the series!" The Author Avatar snickered.

"I know. Guess what else? This icon is my DeviantArt account icon, not my one." she cackled maniacally.

"B-but wait!" Edward protested. "This is , not DA! Using that instead of that adorable little kitty makes no– holyshitimturningintoalphonse."

"Uh… what was that last part?" the Author Avatar asked, looking as confused as a picture of two baby tigers can look (which isn't very confused, but oh well).

"I said 'Holy shit I'm turning into Alphonse'," Edward repeated. The Author Avatar blinked, but before she could comment, Edward frowned. "Hang on a second- why do you have authority over us? You're not the author, you're a poorly disguised self-insert." The Author Avatar rolled her eyes (well, she probably did, but– ah, fuck it, ya'll can work it out on your own).

"I am the Author Avatar," she said proudly. "I speak for the author."

"And I'm the Lorax," said Sara. "I speak for the trees." The Author Avatar, in a fit of annoyance, snapped her fingers and turned Sara into a little fluffy yellow thing.

"Yes," she agreed. "You certainly are." Luckily for Sara, the Author Avatar did not like the Lorax she had created, because it resembled the _movie_ Lorax, which, as every true Dr. Seuss fan knows, was full of shit. So the change only lasted a couple of seconds, and Sara was back with a scowl.

"Why are you writing me so bossy?" she demanded. "I was implied to be _nice_." The Author Avatar grinned.

"ACI." She said simply. Sara groaned. Ed didn't get it.

"ACI?" he asked.

"Alternate Character Interpretation," Sara responded grimly. "It's used a lot for characters whose original series don't give them much personality, like Kamijō Kyōsuke, or Hyuuga Hanabi."

"It's also used by authors who are convinced that their beloved favorite characters are really just misunderstood, like Draco Malfoy, Ulquiorra Cifer, Yagami Light, etc.," the Author Avatar explained. "Poor authors often take their character's Freudian Excuse and use it to make them into the 'misunderstood bad guy'. You should see how Envy is portrayed in some fanfics." She giggled.

"Some of those fanfics are in your Favorites," Sara said dryly.

"What?" The Author Avatar demanded. "They're _good_!"

"They're _porn_," Sara corrected.

"I'm a teenager!" The Author Avatar countered. "I have a healthy libido!"

"You're attracted to _fictional people_!" Sara protested incredulously. "There are at least two people you know who would go out with you, but you spend your time fantasizing about Jellal Fernandes and Orihara Izaya!"

"What?" The Author Avatar defended. "They're sexy!"

"_You like girls_." Said Sara flatly. "You are a lesbian."

"Am not!" said the Author Avatar. "I'm– I'm– _biquestionable_."

"I have no idea what's going on," Ed decided. He left to go ask Winry to marry him in the cheesiest way he could think of.

All around the world, RoyEd fangirls killed themselves out of grief.


	6. In Which Stuff Happens

**AN: Guys. GUYS. I'm updating. Yes, really. If you've completely given up on this fic, I apologize, but I do intend to finish it. Honest. Unfortunately, I don't remember where I was going with this story. Luckily for all of us, I usually just make shit up on the fly anyway, so there really shouldn't be too much of a difference (although my writing has hopefully improved significantly). Thanks for sticking with me, guys. It means a lot to me.**

Chapter 6:

In Which Stuff Happens

Alternatively:

In Which EK3 Updates After an Entire Fucking Year

Greed burst into the room, causing Ed, Envy, Edward, Al, Envy, Alphonse, Roy, Hawkeye, Greed, Winry, and everyone else to look at him (except Grumman, who had gotten drunk off-screen and was out cold).

"Oh, _fuck_ no," said Envy flatly. "This is confusing enough as it is."

"I know, right?" Envy agreed. Greed sighed, and left the room, feeling very left out. Greed laughed at Greed's loneliness, mostly because Greed wasn't a very nice person, even to Greed.

"Wow, that's not obnoxious at all," Ed snarked at the poor author, who didn't actually have to be writing this, you know. "'Snarked' isn't a word, by the way."

"Brother, that's not really relevant." Al pointed out. Alphonse nodded.

"Yeah, it's silly." He said. Riza sighed.

"Can I go home now?" she asked. Roy promptly began to try and think of reasons to get Hawkeye to stay.

"Hey, where'd Evangeline go?" he asked suddenly, genuinely curious.

"I dunno," Wrath, who was currently playing patty-cake with Rosé, spoke up.

"Maybe she got retconned out of the fic," Rosé offered.

"I demand a virgin sacrifice," said Rosé's baby, who still couldn't talk.

"That's also not a word," Ed told Rosé. "That, and I really doubt that it works like that. The readers can just go back a page. Even _this_ author isn't that stupid."

As if the universe existed solely to prove Ed wrong, a giant TV fell out of nowhere, and that Ghost Rider scene where Nicholas Cage eats jelly beans from a champagne glass and watches monkeys doing kung fu began to play.

"I hate my life," Envy commented.

"I hate my dad," Envy countered, feeling left out. In no time at all, a full-blown angst war had erupted between the two.

"I'm a worm thing."

"I'm related to Ed."

"My creator verbally abused myself and my siblings and murdered one of them in front of me."

"_My_ creator turned me into a lumpy fleshy thing, called me a monster, rejected me, ditched me with my emotionally – _and physically_ – abusive mother, dropped all contact for about four hundred years, had two brats that he _also_ abandoned, and, when we finally saw each other again, he killed me."

"…I was eaten by Gluttony." The two looked at each other, and the older Envy sighed. _Time for my trump card_…

"I had to go through puberty," Envy said flatly. "I died _in the middle of puberty_." There was a horrified silence from everyone (except for Wrath, who had never hit puberty, the younger Envy, who didn't know what puberty was, and Rosé's baby, who was plotting to either take over the world or wake its mother up in the middle of the night by wetting itself).

"Okay, Envy wins." Edward declared. Envy looked thrilled.

"I do?" it asked happily. "Hooray!"

"No, stupid," Envy snapped. "He was talking to me." Winry threw her wrench at the author, who responded by pulling down an eyelid and sticking out her tongue, like a mature, responsible young adult.

"Well, that seems legit," said no one ever. A girl with long, wild red hair kicked in the door.

"I don't exist yet!" she announced, looking very proud of herself.

"Uh… good for you?" Ed asked. Suddenly, he paled. "You're not an OC, are you?" The girl shrugged.

"Eh. More like a crossover character from a series that hasn't been written yet," she admitted. "So, I'm kinda like an OC, except that I was created for an entirely different storyline a long time before the author began writing this. Don't worry; I won't be here for long, since the author thinks I'll be hated so much that I'll have to be retconned out."

"Still not actually a word," Ed told her. She stuck her tongue out.

"Well, to be fair, I'm really here as a joke device," she explained. "Basically, I'm Captain Pointless Comedy." Everyone groaned.

"What's your name?" Greed asked, wondering if he could get her to sleep with him, unaware that she was a lesbian. "Dammit!"

"I don't exist," she pointed out. "Why would I have a name? Besides, I'm only gonna be here for a few more seconds." The room was quiet for a moment, and then the girl disappeared in a burst of flames, charring the floor and scary Envy (the younger one).

"Colonel!" Riza snapped. Mustang raised his ungloved hands, before remembering that he no longer actually needed them.

"It wasn't me," he protested, which was true. "See? She agrees with me!"

"Yes, well, I take most of what she says with a grain of salt," Riza told him. At that moment, Evangeline stepped back into the room.

"Where were you?" Winry asked. Evangeline shrugged.

"I dunno," she said simply. "Probably just a plot hole. This is a pretty stupid story, you know." Hey, nobody said I had to make sense. "No, and you go out of your way not to. Did you really think nobody noticed that you just randomly started writing Rosé's name as 'Rosé' instead of 'Rose' after a couple of chapters just because you found out that that was the correct way to write it, even though you never went back to fix it? How oblivious do you think the readers are?" I'm not apologizing.

"This is getting really stupid," Al mumbled. He glanced at the genderless Homunculus, mostly to make sure it hadn't started killing anyone. "What do you think, Envy?" he asked, not wanting anyone to feel left out.

"What _does_ 'bootylicious' mean?" Envy wondered, not really paying attention. Greed thought about explaining, but decided that the less Envy knew about sex the better. Somewhere else, Selim Bradley – now a small baby-like thing, for some reason – was wondering what would happen if he laced Havoc's cigarettes with nitroglycerin. For some reason, he really wanted something to explode.

In a more plot-relevant location, Mustang and the gang were up to… I don't know. Wait, "plot"? What plot? We've got a plot?

"No, we don't," said Major General Olivier Mira Armstrong. Hey, you aren't supposed to be here! She drew her sword. Oh, uh, never mind. Have fun!

"Good work, sis!" Major Alex Louis Armstrong said. The general promptly stomped on his foot. "I mean 'General', of course!"

"Damn right you did!" the general snapped. She sheathed her sword and walked off, sick of the shitty fanfic she was stuck in. Hey, that's mean! "Fuck off, you know it's awful." The author looked sadly down at the shitty fanfic, and wondered if maybe there was any point in continuing. Then she remembered that some people liked it – for some reason – so she shouldn't let them down.

"I hate everything," Envy grumbled, kicking the wall. Since Envy weighed about two thousand pounds, the wall crumbled.

"Hey, neat trick!" said Envy, impressed. Envy grinned at Envy's compliment, pleased that it had managed not to screw something up. The building promptly crumbled around the due to the damage to the building's structural integrity.

"Geez, can you do anything without fucking it up?" Mustang demanded angrily. Envy look down sadly.

"No," it mumbled. Envy patted its shoulder.

"There, there," he said happily. "I didn't like this building anyway. Besides, you aren't as bad as _some_ idiots." He sent a nasty look at Wrath, who had decided to use Rosé as a pillow and was now fast asleep. Despite being out cold, he still managed to flip the bird at his elder. With an angry growl, Envy stormed over and yanked Wrath's arm off.

"Hey," Rosé complained. "You're getting blood all over my dress."

"Thanks for the concern," Wrath grumbled, having awoken. The arm Envy was holding crumbled to dust and Wrath's shoulder spawned a new one.

"Why don't you just do that for your other arm?" Alphonse asked.

"Because I get automail in the movie," Wrath told him. Edward and Ed had to stop themselves from hurting him.

"That's fair," said Winry happily. Ed and Edward glared at her. She shrugged.

"Don't act surprised, Brother," Al said.

"Yeah, you know what Winry's like, Brother," Alphonse agreed.

"This has gotten unbelievably stupid," Lust said.

"Why are you here?" Envy asked. "I thought Wrath killed you."

"I'm the other Lust," Lust said. "And I'm here because I'm voiced by Laura Bailey, and thus am instantly one of the authors favorite characters." Lust wrote herself out of the fic, which sucked, because the author was going to use her to extend the story so that she wouldn't have to write such a short chapter.

"God, how lazy can you get?" Rosé grumbled. The author shrugged.

"Oh yeah," Ed said, suddenly remembering something. "Hey Winry, let's get married." Winry blinked.

"Aren't we, like, sixteen?" she asked. Ed shrugged.

"By the end of the story, I think we're around seventeen to eighteen," he said simply. "Plus, this is the early 1900s." Winry thought about.

"I dunno," she admitted. "I mean, we're pretty young. It's pretty unrealistic to think that we'll be together forever, especially if we get married so early."

"But I'm the main character," Ed pointed out. "And you're my love interest."

"Oh yeah," Winry remembered. "Well, let's date a bit first, then we can get married and have kids and all that crap."

"Sounds fair," Ed agreed.

"What about me?" Edward asked, unaware that his destiny was to get stranded in an alternate universe, potentially have grandkids, and eventually end up looking exactly like his father (with automail). "Oh, that is _bullshit_."

Somewhere else, Quince, Tiger, and Habanera wondered if the author had completely forgotten about them.

**AN: Wow, I'm out of practice with this one. Luckily, I know that at least one person still likes it, so I'll make sure to update as soon as I can. Uh… yeah, I can't think of anything else to say. Thanks for reading!**


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